The Cos

Last night I angered a woman on  friend's Facebook thread that she said I "disgusted" her and left the conversation. It was all after I stated my thoughts on the recent controversy swarming around Bill Cosby. I guess I was supposed to automatically and unequivocally denounce Cosby as a sexual predator even though I was not there and no one in law enforcement felt there was enough evidence to move forward in the case. Not to say he's innocent--but honestly, what do we know? We know that allegedly 13 women have come forth with a similar story of being drugged, raped and then shown the door. And that assistants and agents and various handlers knew, encouraged it and covered it up.
As someone who's worked with and around famous people, I know that this kind of thing can happen. And  in the time we're talking about--with no social media and immediate dissemination of information, of less appetite for scandal, probably this happened just as much or more as it does now, but it was much easier to hide.

My initial opinion on Cosby is if it's true, it's extremely disheartening and disappointing that someone who has given us so much positive gifts could be so awful off camera. I feel for anyone who has experienced the trauma of abuse. But I also am not convinced that this is anything but a witch hunt, fueled by a media that cares little for facts or reporting and is solely interested in clicks and shares. Has anyone noticed Ebola is now an afterthought now that the midterms are over and the Republicans successfully scared enough people to get them the Senate? So do I have an opinion about guilt or innocence? No. I don't.

As a journalist, I was trained to approach things rationally, cynically--check facts and make arguments based on them. I don't form a solid opinion until I can digest ALL the facts and in these cases, I wasn't present, and I have not seen any police files, toxicology reports or heard about rape kits or DNA or former staffers or anyone coming forward with tangible evidence. I don't think it's fair or responsible to just say he's guilty because a bunch of women say so?  I certainly wouldn't want any of my friends or family accused of something they didn't do. I recently watched a great report on the NY Times website about Lindy Chamberlain, the woman in Australia who was basically tried in the media for killing her baby, when she maintained from the beginning that a dingo attacked and ate the child. She spent 3 years in jail on trumped up charges and was only freed when investigators found evidence that was consistent with her story. And it was only in the last 2 years that the high court issued the cause of death was a dingo attack.

So I have mixed feelings. What I said that especially angered the woman on the thread is that I felt like Cosby has been punished karmically, if he was indeed guilty. His son was murdered, and no parent is the same after losing a child. It is a pain that stays with you like a chill in your bones you can't shake. Not that it excuses him if he's guilty, but at this point, there will be no criminal charges against him and this is a trial by the media, something I am HIGHLY suspect of in this internet age. So it's not like it's all rosy for him--he may get away with these alleged offenses, but he is already suffering. She seemed to think I believed that because overall he's contributed such important things to pop culture that him raping someone is excusable. But I don't think that, I just don't think we can just assume he's guilty and then forget everything else. And since there is nothing the courts can do, perhaps there's something in that he has experienced more pain that others.

This differs from say, R. Kelly, who I wholeheartedly believe is guilty based on video, the amount of court documents I've read and conversations I've had with people who have worked closely with him. If anyone is mad at me for not automatically denouncing Cosby, I hope they aren't going going home and bumping R. Kelly.

Now or Never

This past May, for the FOURTH time in 6 years, I was laid off. This time, the company I was working for was purchased by a Latino media company that is planning to change the music format. In some ways, it was  blessing, I saw it as the universe opening the door for me to do what I really want to do, which is to write.

Not write about Katy Perry or Beyonce or Nicki Minaj, but write about the stories in my head that are begging to come out. Like my Great-Grandmother who lived her life on the lam, or my life as a biracial person or all the crazy stuff I saw working in the hip hop biz. I have been writing stories since I could pick up a pen--when I was a kid I wrote and illustrated series of stories about a Chinese family called The Changs by folding up paper and stapling it to make books. My parents seemed to be entertained ( I never felt like they had much of a reaction to them at the time), and a few years ago, going through a drawer in my parents' home, they still had them, so I guess they were.

This summer I was working on a book with Damon Dash, and was turned down by several agents--but one very prominent one said she was more interested in me as a writer and the stories I could tell on my own than a book about Damon, which gave me a great boost of confidence. And then Damon started acting shady, so I figured it would be better to abandon ship. I mean, how many more signs could the universe send me?

So I have been trying to write as much as I can, squeezing in moments between shuttling kids, cooking, cleaning and vegging out on Facebook--which I am working to wean myself off of--and looking for work. I don't really want to look for work at the moment, honestly, because I want to try and focus on the outline and proposal for my first book. But, because the Party of Mean shut down the government and, just like they are convinced there is widespread voter fraud, they seem to also be convinced in the conspiracy that people like me are freeloaders and unemployment benefits should be harder to get. So now I have to prove that I apply to at least 3 jobs a week by keeping a record. Because at some point in the next few weeks, they will give me a few days' notice that I have to appear at this mandatory meeting at the Labor office and attest to the fact that I am looking for a full-time job, because that's what America is all about. That good ol' 9-5.

Yet when I look through job boards, all I feel is this sense of dread. Every editorial job is a hybrid of social media marketing and "content." I just want to write. I want to tell interesting stories with feeling, and depth and good reporting. I don't want to be an "SEO whiz" a "social media maven" "have a knack for clickable headlines" or spend half my day following analytics. I know I need to adapt IF I want to work in that world and get a steady paycheck and health benefits. But I don't. I really don't. After four layoffs, there's nothing secure these days about a full-time job in my mind. At if I'm going to chase my dreams, I have to do it now while I can. I have to try, and if I fail, well, THEN I guess I'll start caring about clicks.