Now or Never

This past May, for the FOURTH time in 6 years, I was laid off. This time, the company I was working for was purchased by a Latino media company that is planning to change the music format. In some ways, it was  blessing, I saw it as the universe opening the door for me to do what I really want to do, which is to write.

Not write about Katy Perry or Beyonce or Nicki Minaj, but write about the stories in my head that are begging to come out. Like my Great-Grandmother who lived her life on the lam, or my life as a biracial person or all the crazy stuff I saw working in the hip hop biz. I have been writing stories since I could pick up a pen--when I was a kid I wrote and illustrated series of stories about a Chinese family called The Changs by folding up paper and stapling it to make books. My parents seemed to be entertained ( I never felt like they had much of a reaction to them at the time), and a few years ago, going through a drawer in my parents' home, they still had them, so I guess they were.

This summer I was working on a book with Damon Dash, and was turned down by several agents--but one very prominent one said she was more interested in me as a writer and the stories I could tell on my own than a book about Damon, which gave me a great boost of confidence. And then Damon started acting shady, so I figured it would be better to abandon ship. I mean, how many more signs could the universe send me?

So I have been trying to write as much as I can, squeezing in moments between shuttling kids, cooking, cleaning and vegging out on Facebook--which I am working to wean myself off of--and looking for work. I don't really want to look for work at the moment, honestly, because I want to try and focus on the outline and proposal for my first book. But, because the Party of Mean shut down the government and, just like they are convinced there is widespread voter fraud, they seem to also be convinced in the conspiracy that people like me are freeloaders and unemployment benefits should be harder to get. So now I have to prove that I apply to at least 3 jobs a week by keeping a record. Because at some point in the next few weeks, they will give me a few days' notice that I have to appear at this mandatory meeting at the Labor office and attest to the fact that I am looking for a full-time job, because that's what America is all about. That good ol' 9-5.

Yet when I look through job boards, all I feel is this sense of dread. Every editorial job is a hybrid of social media marketing and "content." I just want to write. I want to tell interesting stories with feeling, and depth and good reporting. I don't want to be an "SEO whiz" a "social media maven" "have a knack for clickable headlines" or spend half my day following analytics. I know I need to adapt IF I want to work in that world and get a steady paycheck and health benefits. But I don't. I really don't. After four layoffs, there's nothing secure these days about a full-time job in my mind. At if I'm going to chase my dreams, I have to do it now while I can. I have to try, and if I fail, well, THEN I guess I'll start caring about clicks.